Hellcats

So I’m writing a screenplay. No big deal. Just your standard “boy-meets-girl, boy-names-asteroid-after-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-has-to-save-world-from-asteroid-named-after-girl-as-he-prepares-to-marry-different-girl” romantic comedy. I’m feeling pretty good about it, mainly because none of the main characters are Northwestern alums. You don’t see that too much in the movies anymore. It’s a throwback to the days of Wilder and Lubitsch, when the audience had to form opinions of characters based off something other than the weathered t-shirts they wear in bedroom scenes. I’m excited.

There’s nothing wrong with going to Northwestern, of course. It’s a great school with the capacity to turn down thousands of qualified high school seniors every year, myself included. All the same, they must be stopped. More specifically, the concept of Northwestern must be stopped—they are not lovable losers, but vicious purple hell-beasts with the sole goal of bringing chaos and madness to the Big 10. They're sinister and have got a great media campaign backing them up. This is a problem.

The first point to understand is that Northwestern is not a joke within the Big 10. Not in the least. It would be easier if they were. People—including their own fans--would love for them to be Vanderbilt west, a notion the student body encourages by making sure Ryan Field is one-third full for every home football game. Ending Iowa’s Rose Bowl chances last weekend in Iowa City wasn’t shocking, not even to Matt Bowen. He knows about Northwestern.

APThe most successful basketball coach ever to escape from 1955.

On the basketball court, the school has never made the NIT or NCAA tournament, despite currently having the best coach in the country in Bill Carmody. Friends sent me Andy Katz’s recent piece on Carmody with the hope I might tear it to shreds in print. It just so happens I agree with Katz. Carmody’s 120-149 tenure at Northwestern is an unqualified success for the simple reason he’s the only coach in America playing with players from the 1950s. This isn’t quaint, or lovable—it’s terrifying. Welsh-Ryan Arena is like playing a road game at Hickory High, right down to the abundance of overly-intense reserves with Brylcreem hair.

This isn't an accident. It's just what gives Northwestern the best chance at winning. It’s a calculated decision, just like the ones that come from the athletic departments of Syracuse, Tulane, Wisconsin and all the other schools that aren’t genteel enough to prodcue any movie character worth falling in love with. Northwestern is just like us. So please, Hollywood costume designers, no more purple t-shirts to bed.

Follow me on Twitter: RayGustini

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